Friday, September 14, 2012

Ripping the Scarlet Letter Off My Heart

For all you multi-passionate creatives out there:

Have you felt like you were committing business infidelity?

When the first flash of fire flickered in me to create this space, my emotions were rampant.

Staying true to who I am though, I threw the fuel on & danced around it like a mothertrucker.

Pure wildness, the way all beginnings of all things tend to be.

The passion crackled so fiercely inside of me that I couldn't possibly ignore it any longer. Like any affair, the arrival of these actions intoxicated my heart. Once the breeze carried the cloud of euphoric smoke away though, I sat feeling...


Like a half-crazy two-timing renegade.

Because I so completely & deeply love Kind Over Matter, I felt like I was cheating it. Not just on the IT of KOM but the YOU of KOM.

I felt like I was being unfaithful to my people & my mission, everything that I have worked so hard on over the last 3 & a half years.

I spent a good chunk of time questioning myself, because really, why on Earth would I want to create this space when I already created one that I loved & that was loved by so many others.

I pulled up a chair, sat down crossed-legged on it & stared into the core of this beast, watched as it fizzled down a bit, debating EVERY LITTLE THING that came up because as a lifelong scanner, this has happened more times than I can count.

I waited it out.

I took weeks off from working on it, just to make sure.

I almost snuffed it out a few times...

This went on for months & months. The gears in my heart started screeching around this vision last December. That's 3 months shy of a year!

cause joy, it has its own justice
& my dreams are languid & lawless
& everything bows to beauty
when it is fierce & when
it is flawless...

Ani D

Every single time I came back to stoke the fire though, it was all-consuming, that's when I knew I had to move forward with this.

When I stopped grilling the shit out of the process, that's when the clarity came.

When I took the hand of this beauty instead of handcuffing it to a chair & filling it with guilt & shame, it blossomed with truth & elegance.

Now, it seems really silly that I felt that way, but I did.

This is more of a place for me to explore & share what I so dearly love, more of the ordinary, no structure, just love. I'll refrain from explaining it here but if you feel inclined, click around love. :)

Nothing is going to change with the beautiful well-oiled love machine that is KOM, I love the piss outta that space. I've grown so much with it, timely with its messages, the two most recent posts, The Many Ways of Love + Taking the Space to Find & Share Your Spirit's Calling With the World were not at all planned around me striking the match to send this space into orbit -- but they gently guided my hand to the fuse today.

I had no intention of doing so this time yesterday.

I said, eff the fancypants launch yuck (like I always do!) & just show up woman...

So, this is my beachside bonfire, let's make some s'mores, yo!

Here's a hula hoop, the chocolate & wine are right over there...

Here's to the Lion, the Beast & the Beat...

I love you.

Cheers, xox —

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  1. As a fellow scanner, I completely and totally understand. I too hear that voice saying "why can't you stick to one thing!!" and I too have mostly been able to laugh at it and say this is who I am!!!

    This is a gorgeous new space and I love that you're branching out. Mazel Tov!!!

    1. Hell yes!! I've embraced it fully too! Scanners are playful by nature, I love that about us!

      Thank you beautiful! <3!!!

  2. Do ALL the things you do.

    As a MOTHER you are perfectly familiar with the MANY things. Any mother knows that
    an ordinary day NEVER contains JUST ONE THING. It holds many.
    So you are a Mom, a WEBster, a BLOGger, a her, a friend, a partner, a driver,
    a .... get it?
    Through out the ONE THING story. It's just a story. And, clearly, it's not YoUR story.
    Congratulations on the just-show-up launch. The best kind.
    mary anne

    1. It surely is a story, threw it in that fire... now let's dance! :D

      Thank you Mary Anne, you are an inspiration! <3!

  3. Oh, Amanda. I am bubbling up with giddiness for you. You are brave and inspiring and so preciously beautiful. I love your new space. I can feel the cracking warmth, I can smell the deliciousness of campfire smoke...

    It's an honor to walk this planet with you, my friend.

    Love and high fives. Now please pass the wine.

    1. Giddy hearts are the best! I love that ours have & will continue to dance together in this life.

      Thank you sweet friend *passing you the bottle*


  4. I am so excited that I sent you an inquiry about designing my site! Best of luck with this new venture.

    1. Thank you so much Lynda! I'm excited to talk with you! I will be replying on Monday, I hope you have a gorgeous weekend! ♥!

  5. I love this. I know that tug...
    I have had a sweet tiny gift shop for 10 years... it has grown to be a place that women come to just be quiet and happy while they shop- the energy is more than just a store. However it has suffered in this economy to where I am hanging by a thread and so have given it a year to tell me what to do.
    Meanwhile, I have a painting studio upstairs, the most magical place on the planet.
    I paint, I create prayer beads, I talk to my birds. I love.
    Meanwhile meanwhile, I facilitate three sacred circles of women that work the Artist's Way in my studio with me. I am busy, I 'should' be satisfied, yes?

    And still I have a desire to expand my knowledge and art and share it with more classes and more outreach.

    I may have to ultimately make a choice here if I cannot find a better home for my store. If the Universe is willing, there will be a way. I don't sleep at night because this pull is so strong....

    so, yeah, I love the new space you have created, the name and everything. thank you for sharing.
    It GMH.

    1. I love those little stores, when you walk in, the energy shifts & the feeling of home hits you. It's so extremely sad what the economy is doing to these gorgeous independently-owned shops, it breaks my heart. I've seen it happen to my parents so I get it. Sending you a tremendous amount of love.

      Circle of women.... mmmm, now that makes my heart happy. I think we always should be reaching to learn, to experience new & wild things, rooting you on, Kate. Thank you! ♥!

  6. So excited for yooooou! The site is gorgeous, your heart is gorgeous, your dreams? Gorgeous. ♥

    1. Love you like mad woman! Thank you for rooting me on, always... being there for me, always... for listening, for saying, you are gonna rock this bad girl :D LOVE YOU! ♥!

  7. congrats brave many times i think i should "this or that" but never do. i look forward to seeing how this turns out.

    1. Thank you love... it's all about the baby steps, even if it takes years... you & your dreams are worth it, wishing you love & light ♥! xoxox

  8. Love this. Love you. Of course you are too wild, too beautiful, too free to be contained. Here's to more delicious dancing. Celebrating your lionheart!

    Now, pass me a s'more. ;)