Friday, September 14, 2012

Ripping the Scarlet Letter Off My Heart



For all you multi-passionate creatives out there:

Have you felt like you were committing business infidelity?

When the first flash of fire flickered in me to create this space, my emotions were rampant.

Staying true to who I am though, I threw the fuel on & danced around it like a mothertrucker.

Pure wildness, the way all beginnings of all things tend to be.

The passion crackled so fiercely inside of me that I couldn't possibly ignore it any longer. Like any affair, the arrival of these actions intoxicated my heart. Once the breeze carried the cloud of euphoric smoke away though, I sat feeling...

Disloyal.

Like a half-crazy two-timing renegade.

Because I so completely & deeply love Kind Over Matter, I felt like I was cheating it. Not just on the IT of KOM but the YOU of KOM.

I felt like I was being unfaithful to my people & my mission, everything that I have worked so hard on over the last 3 & a half years.

I spent a good chunk of time questioning myself, because really, why on Earth would I want to create this space when I already created one that I loved & that was loved by so many others.

I pulled up a chair, sat down crossed-legged on it & stared into the core of this beast, watched as it fizzled down a bit, debating EVERY LITTLE THING that came up because as a lifelong scanner, this has happened more times than I can count.

I waited it out.

I took weeks off from working on it, just to make sure.

I almost snuffed it out a few times...

This went on for months & months. The gears in my heart started screeching around this vision last December. That's 3 months shy of a year!


cause joy, it has its own justice
& my dreams are languid & lawless
& everything bows to beauty
when it is fierce & when
it is flawless...


Ani D

Every single time I came back to stoke the fire though, it was all-consuming, that's when I knew I had to move forward with this.

When I stopped grilling the shit out of the process, that's when the clarity came.

When I took the hand of this beauty instead of handcuffing it to a chair & filling it with guilt & shame, it blossomed with truth & elegance.

Now, it seems really silly that I felt that way, but I did.

This is more of a place for me to explore & share what I so dearly love, more of the ordinary, no structure, just love. I'll refrain from explaining it here but if you feel inclined, click around love. :)

Nothing is going to change with the beautiful well-oiled love machine that is KOM, I love the piss outta that space. I've grown so much with it, timely with its messages, the two most recent posts, The Many Ways of Love + Taking the Space to Find & Share Your Spirit's Calling With the World were not at all planned around me striking the match to send this space into orbit -- but they gently guided my hand to the fuse today.

I had no intention of doing so this time yesterday.

I said, eff the fancypants launch yuck (like I always do!) & just show up woman...

So, this is my beachside bonfire, let's make some s'mores, yo!

Here's a hula hoop, the chocolate & wine are right over there...

Here's to the Lion, the Beast & the Beat...



I love you.

Cheers, xox —

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19 comments:

  1. As a fellow scanner, I completely and totally understand. I too hear that voice saying "why can't you stick to one thing!!" and I too have mostly been able to laugh at it and say this is who I am!!!

    This is a gorgeous new space and I love that you're branching out. Mazel Tov!!!

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    1. Hell yes!! I've embraced it fully too! Scanners are playful by nature, I love that about us!

      Thank you beautiful! <3!!!

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  2. Do ALL the things you do.

    As a MOTHER you are perfectly familiar with the MANY things. Any mother knows that
    an ordinary day NEVER contains JUST ONE THING. It holds many.
    So you are a Mom, a WEBster, a BLOGger, a her, a friend, a partner, a driver,
    a .... get it?
    Through out the ONE THING story. It's just a story. And, clearly, it's not YoUR story.
    Congratulations on the just-show-up launch. The best kind.
    mary anne

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    1. It surely is a story, threw it in that fire... now let's dance! :D

      Thank you Mary Anne, you are an inspiration! <3!

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  3. Oh, Amanda. I am bubbling up with giddiness for you. You are brave and inspiring and so preciously beautiful. I love your new space. I can feel the cracking warmth, I can smell the deliciousness of campfire smoke...

    It's an honor to walk this planet with you, my friend.

    Love and high fives. Now please pass the wine.

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    1. Giddy hearts are the best! I love that ours have & will continue to dance together in this life.

      Thank you sweet friend *passing you the bottle*

      <3!

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  4. I am so excited that I sent you an inquiry about designing my site! Best of luck with this new venture.

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    1. Thank you so much Lynda! I'm excited to talk with you! I will be replying on Monday, I hope you have a gorgeous weekend! ♥!

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  5. I love this. I know that tug...
    I have had a sweet tiny gift shop for 10 years... it has grown to be a place that women come to just be quiet and happy while they shop- the energy is more than just a store. However it has suffered in this economy to where I am hanging by a thread and so have given it a year to tell me what to do.
    Meanwhile, I have a painting studio upstairs, the most magical place on the planet.
    I paint, I create prayer beads, I talk to my birds. I love.
    Meanwhile meanwhile, I facilitate three sacred circles of women that work the Artist's Way in my studio with me. I am busy, I 'should' be satisfied, yes?

    And still I have a desire to expand my knowledge and art and share it with more classes and more outreach.

    I may have to ultimately make a choice here if I cannot find a better home for my store. If the Universe is willing, there will be a way. I don't sleep at night because this pull is so strong....

    so, yeah, I love the new space you have created, the name and everything. thank you for sharing.
    It GMH.
    aho.
    kate

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    1. I love those little stores, when you walk in, the energy shifts & the feeling of home hits you. It's so extremely sad what the economy is doing to these gorgeous independently-owned shops, it breaks my heart. I've seen it happen to my parents so I get it. Sending you a tremendous amount of love.

      Circle of women.... mmmm, now that makes my heart happy. I think we always should be reaching to learn, to experience new & wild things, rooting you on, Kate. Thank you! ♥!

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  6. So excited for yooooou! The site is gorgeous, your heart is gorgeous, your dreams? Gorgeous. ♥

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    1. Love you like mad woman! Thank you for rooting me on, always... being there for me, always... for listening, for saying, you are gonna rock this bad girl :D LOVE YOU! ♥!

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  7. congrats brave girl...so many times i think i should "this or that" but never do. i look forward to seeing how this turns out.

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    1. Thank you love... it's all about the baby steps, even if it takes years... you & your dreams are worth it, wishing you love & light ♥! xoxox

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  8. Love this. Love you. Of course you are too wild, too beautiful, too free to be contained. Here's to more delicious dancing. Celebrating your lionheart!

    Now, pass me a s'more. ;)

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